I want to apologize to anyone who reads regularly or subscribes to this blog. I fear they might have the wrong impression about me if based on some of my blog posts. So I will explain what is going on.
Inexplicably there have been a bunch of posts about the failure of my most recent relationship. Some are deliberate and others are vague but that is the nature of the non-sports posts. Mostly because I was dumped and made out to be a bad person. There are some lingering questions and resentment that I have.
Like the last time I saw this woman, she was crying. Why? She dumped me. Why are you crying about it? If I am so awful and I did all the horrible things she says I did, then there is nothing to cry about. Right?
I moved to where I am currently so that I can be closer to her. I live 2 & 1/2 hours away but that is a lot closer than half a country away. She didn’t have to do anything to help me move and she never offered to move herself.
She calls me boring but she is in the same job and house as when I met her. I have moved to California and back. I have been to school and gotten my masters. Now I am back to work at a different job. And I am boring?
Tickets and opportunities are given to her because of her job. I live 2 & 1/2 hours away and I still planned 80% of what we did together. But I guess all that was boring because she never acknowledged it.
There is the commitment allegory of ham and eggs. I definitely think she is the chicken in this case, in many ways. And I am ham. I changed my life and was looking to a future with her. When I lived out in California, I made 95% of the trips to see her. She did take a solid 5% out to see me though.
Most of this is my own fault. She never mentioned what type of future she wanted with me. I can only speculate that is because there never was one in her mind at all. And at the end of our relationship she said specifically she didn’t know what she was going to do because she didn’t have other things but I wasn’t one of those things on the list.
She is always using her feelings to disregard the truth. Her feelings trump the truth, always. I have not lied to her. I have given her no reason to think I am lying. And she has no proof that I am lying. Still she “feels stuff” so that must mean that the truth doesn’t matter. I am not making this up; this is what an adult uses on me to make her case. I am mesmerized by it all the time.
I hate [and I do mean hate] the way she has taken the truth I have told her and made it into something that serves her hatred for me. But that is only just lying to herself. She is wrong. She is making up stuff. It is only embarrassing herself.
I hate that I have proof she lied to me. Not little lies, big ones. Ones where she didn’t have to lie and she still did. I never brought it up. Never tried to use it against her. But I will always know.
More than anything, it must have been tiring for/to her having to make up lies about me. Would have even easier [and more truthful] to just believe what I was saying. Especially since there was no evidence to suggest I was lying [because I wasn’t]. I mean the mental gymnastics to remake reality has to be tiring.
Worst thing is, no matter how logical or rational I am, I still LOVE her. It is completely irrational and illogical but I still do. And I hate that. Not much I can do to stop it though. There is a lot I will do for a woman I LOVE but I will not lie or let myself be misrepresented. I can’t do that. I have to have truth.
Most women like attributes like honesty, reliability, and trust-worthyness. Apparently my ex doesn’t like these things.
Hopefully soon I can concentrate on building a life without her. Because I am in pain. I wish I wasn’t but I am. And I want to move past it. NOW!
In the months since the breakup, I am still not past it. I want to talk sports. I want to talk movies. The things I am actually into. I have but there is always this thing there that I can’t get past fully. My mind is trapped for now. So I am bugging all of you with my mindless musings.
This truth might lose me followers of this blog. This blog is for my feelings and thoughts and this is part of that as much as anything else. Since I am a big sports guy, most posts will be about that. I have had political posts and will have them in the future as well. But I have to have an outlet for these feelings until I can get past them. So, this is MY truth to MY own detriment.
And most of all, I am writing this for clarification. I am not looking for sympathy or pity. Just explaining any pathetic, funny, whiny, wimpy posts on here. I focus on sports but other things will be posted from time to time. Just clarifying some of the posts that started around November time frame.
Well I hope that I can move past this. Thanks for reading. And I will get back to the things I am usually ranting about.
OK; back to the normally scheduled programming.